Aubrey
Welsh
26 Things I Want You To Know
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So, folks, here we are. I have had another wonderful year travelling around the world meeting up with and enjoying great times with family and friends. Thanks to all those I had the privilege of spending time with and apologies to those I have missed.
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I'd like to share with you an alphabet of things that I want you to know and think about. It wasn't very easy to select the topics to share as some letters seem to have so many things I could talk about! But I could only choose one.
​Auckland
Having lived in South Africa for more than 40 years, I never imagined that the last city I would live in would be Auckland. I have no regrets about moving to NZ. Each of your lives, too, will have twists and turns and you must not be afraid to make decisions even if they seem impossible to make. Not all your decisions will turn out to be the right ones - don't panic - just make the best out of that situation, deal with the consequences and forgive yourself. Seek help and support from those around you and be ready to support others when they need it.
Beyond Life
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For those who have a strong faith, the idea of life beyond our current existence holds promise. Over the centuries, many folk have spoken of experiences and opportunities through which glimpses of that 'other life' are shown. On the other hand, some say this is it - this is all we have. I have no real experience or expertise in this realm but I have often pondered whether we are the only salient beings in the universe - after all, much research is even now being conducted in finding other forms of life. Personally, and if there is life after death, I am looking forward to it. Might we meet up with loved ones long lost? I would be happy to do so.
Courage
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What is courage? Yes, we all know the romantic rendition of St George sweeping across the plains bent on slaughtering the fierce dragon. And we've been taught that's what courage is. But everyday, we humans are faced with decisions which take courage. I am embarking on an epic trial which will require such courage that sometimes I think I may be found wanting. Will I be able to withstand the pains of hunger and thirst and the impact as my body craves the nutrition which sustains life? I then think about the choice I am making and that gives me courage. One day soon, this choice will be commonplace and no longer carry the stigma it currently suffers.
Dreams
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I don't know about you but I grew up not really knowing much about dreams, ambitions and goals. When I finished school (Matric), I had no idea what I was going to do after being discharged from the army. Yet, one of my primary school teachers showed us a picture of the Borobodur Temple in Indonesia. I recall dreaming at the time that I wanted to visit it. When in 2017 I had the unique opportunity to conduct a PhD-preparation course in Jakarta, I visited the temple and realised that it had taken me almost 50 years to get there. Never give up on your dreams.
But you must also accept that not all your dreams will come true. I wanted to be a famous musician and thespian - and tried hard for many years - but it just wasn't to be. Having dreams, ambitions and goals are necessary in helping us to achieve but we also must learn to accept it when circumstances determine otherwise
Earth
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The blue planet has fascinated human beings since we saw the very first images taken from outer space. Yet, when we zoom down onto the surface of the earth, we see the destruction and devastation which we humans are causing. Environmentalists are doing their damndest to persuade governments to listen and change their behaviour - seemingly without much positive change. I don't really believe in the doomsday messages we often hear but something must be done to check the greed and avarice of those in charge. I fear there will need to be a revolution before the authorities change their stance. Let's hope it's a bloodless one.
Failure
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You might feel that you have failed to engage with me and persuade me to change my mind about my decision. I know that you want me to continue living and I think that is simply because we are 'conditioned' to expect that. Choosing to end one's life is not something we have ever needed to face and I hope that in facing it with me, although very difficult for you, I have been able to share my reasons for making that decision. You have not failed me - on the contrary, your presence in my life has added value and reward to it — and that's why I can say it is 'complete'. Thank you.
PS I have failed to learn how to ensure that my website 'mobile' view is error-free; forgive me.
Grief Associated With Loss
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When you know someone who has a terminal illness or dementia, you will be aware that you are going to lose that person at some time in the near future. During that time, you naturally begin to grieve the impending loss of that person. Having heard my news, I think that you are likely to be going through grief over my loss—and this is possibly making you sad and feeling that you don't want me to me to go ahead with my decision. Are you going through this process at the moment? I am also going through a grieving process—knowing full well that I may not see some people again. Of course you will miss me but I want you to think about the life we had and all the good (and odd bad) things we did. I hope this brief explanation will help you to understand your feelings, emotions and responses to my passing.
Hong Kong
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80-storey skyscrapers looking like chopsticks, tiny urban lanes a metre wide, the beautiful Victoria Harbour and cows wandering around in the rural landscapes. These are some of the images I recall so fondly of Hong Kong. I was 48 years old and here I was following what the Universe had decided for me. Yes, I chose to accept a job in HK but I could have refused?
And this is one of life's mysteries. If you don't open yourself up to opportunities and then be brave enough to take advantage of them, you may be missing something in life. I have taken advantage of what the Universe has offered me and this is why I believe I have had 'a completed life'. I want you to be able to say one day 'my life is complete'.
Identity
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As we grow up, attending school and university (if you're lucky), we develop our own sense identity - mostly gained from the people around us including close family and friends. Who you think (or believe) you are is based on facts and assumptions which are often difficult to separate. In my memoir I touched on this and you discovered that my ethnic origins are of mixed race. I did not always acknowledge this during my life but now that I know and accept it, it doesn't really matter.
A second 'who am I' challenge revolves around the fact that my surname should be Turner. Had circumstances been different, I would have had a whole different life. Yet neither of these is of any relevance for me now for I know who I am. I am myself - flaws and all. Have you ever wondered about who you really are?
Joburg​
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When I look at this photo above, I see a young man, full of hope and expectation on the balcony of his first rental apartment in Hillbrow sometime in the early 1980s. The world was meant to be my oyster. But that oyster never arrived. But hey, I had 15 wonderful years living in Joburg but also travelling across South Africa, performing, singing, dancing, acting, presenting and producing - living the dream!
Yet I never made it to Shaftesbury Avenue, or 34th Street or La Scala. All we need to do is our best and, as long as we do that without harming anyone else, then life is beautiful. I met amazing people in Joies many of whom are still close friends today - so I feel blessed, even if I don't have an Oscar!
Killing Myself​
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Some of you have talked to me about my decision and expressed your concern for what might seem to you to be akin to me 'wanting to kill myself'. It is extremely difficult for me to write on this but I owe it to you to do so and, in doing so, I must address the question of suicide. I argue strongly that I am not committing suicide—rather, I am choosing to end my life openly and honestly (possibly the opposite of suicide) because I believe my life to 'be complete'.
This concept of 'a completed life' is a new one and I fully understand why you might not wish to accept this as a reason for my choosing to end my life. My memoir is dedicated to the wonderful life I have had, the wonderful people in it and has attempted to show you why I believe that my life is complete.
Last Times
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Usually in life, you never know when you will be performing the 'last time' of anything. I am hugely aware that I know I may be doing things for the last time. In fact, I've been doing this for a couple of years now. But today, 13 August 2024, I am flying out of Heathrow Airport (and thus the UK) probably for the last time. It may also be the last time I will see some of my friends in the northern hemisphere.
Yes, I feel sad—but I also feel gratitude, warmth, and caring for all those who have been part of my journey on this earth. Earlier this year in May, I threw a shindig in Auckland for all my friends who could make it. It may also pan out that that might be the last time I will see some of them. I am privileged to have been able to say goodbye to family and friends -for the last time - as many people pass without that privilege.
Mother
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My mother passed away on 8 December 2022 aged 95 years. You, too, may have lost your mother and so you know what it feels like although each of us will have responded differently to that loss. I am happy that my mother reached her ripe old age mainly because for 90 of those years she was independent and happy. As she grew more frail, her quality of life diminished and she began to lose the dignity with which she had lived her life.
For the final two years she often wished that her Good Lord would take her in her sleep. She was ready to go. Just as I am now ready to go despite being much younger. If your mother is still with you, then make sure you do everything that you can to make her as happy as she could possibly be. If you are estranged from her, then I urge to heal the wounds and make amends. The time is short. My mother (on the right) with her friend, Annie, in a roadside cosmos field
Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien​
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I have no regrets. Yes, I may have felt sorry about things I did or said but I honestly believe that, as none of us is perfect, if we accept our imperfections and do the best we can, then that is all we can do. Some of the decisions I have made through my life weren't the right ones but I believe I dealt with the consequences of those decisions in the best way I could. Where I have failed I offer my sincerest apologies. Perhaps I led too cautious a life and this has resulted in 'no regrets' - but I wouldn't change a thing if I could live my life over again.
Over The Rainbow
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Although they are simply caused by light passing through water, rainbows have fascinated and delighted humans since our evolution. I often wonder what other animals think about rainbows - surely they must see them, too? We have the 'pot of gold' at the end of the rainbow. And now, for me, I will be passing 'over the rainbow' . Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz was one of my favourite films as a child and I have loved the title song ever since.
Did you know? 'Over the Rainbow' was ranked the #1 Song of the Century by the Recording Industry Association of America and the National Endowment for the Arts, surpassing both 'My Way' and 'Ballad of the Green Berets'. Not bad. There are over 5000 recorded renditions of the song. Wow! Take a moment (or three) to listen to my favourite rendition by Eva Cassidy RIP
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Partners
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These are the people we let into our innermost existence and, together, share pathways forward. I have been blessed to have had three main partners (and several other lovers/boyfriends - your secrets are safe with me) who are still a part of my life today. To you I say thank you very much; for your love, your consideration, your friendship and above all, what you have taught me. I know that my end of life decision weighs heavily on some of you and I wish that in the very near future, you will come to understand my choice. I wish your future lives to be filled with joy, health and happiness.
Que Sera Sera
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Although I touched on the story of Que Sera Sera in my memoir, I still cannot recall when I first heard my mother singing it or when I learned to sing it. But its message has stayed with me all my life. Perhaps it helped me cope with some of the difficult passages I have had to face and it kept me grounded when chaos swirled around me. When you are faced with such challenges, try to take some time out, to gather your thoughts and to calmly approach a solution. Try not to make hasty judgements and blame others for what is happening to you - whatever will be, will be.
Rolling Stone​
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Someone (and I can't remember who now) once called me 'a rolling stone'. When I reflect on my times and life, I think quite a few of you might also have thought that. And perhaps, you're all right? My response is: 'what's wrong with a rolling stone?' Aah, gathers no moss, you say. I believe I gathered quite a bit of moss in my life and did many things I never dreamt I would do. And all of it made me who I am. I cannot imagine my life without all the travel I have done. I met wonderful people, I saw amazing things and I hope that I gave as much as I received. Now this stone is rolling on home some day.
Streets, Avenues and Roads Less Travelled
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One of the careers I considered whilst at high school was becoming an airline cabin steward - well, that clearly didn't happen! But what did happen was that I engaged in travel which took me to some amazing places, some shocking places and other places which allowed me to learn, to experience and to share my life with others.
Emigrating from South Africa was a choice, moving to Hong Kong was a choice and accepting a summer teaching position at Durham University (UK) was a choice. I am so very 'lucky' that many of my choices turned out to be good ones - and the bad ones I accepted as part of life's learning curve. May you be blessed to experience this, too.
Teaching
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I remember when I was about 13 years old, I used to 'teach' the other kids who lived in Cambar House in the park adjacent to our building. Who knew then that most of my life would be dedicated to education: first as a secondary school teacher, then an education presenter at SABC and finally an ESL teacher and manager.
I am blessed to have had that influential career which has taken me around the world. But 'teaching' has changed and the enormous demands placed on those who take up the career are stress-inducing. It is my fervent hope, though, that many young people will still embark on teaching careers as it is an essential service.
Universe
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My mother raised me as a Catholic but in my teens I began to question the authority of the church and finding it wanting, stopped attending organised religious practice. In my thirties, the great scandal broke within the Catholic Church and it is still reeling today from the impacts. When asked if I have a religion, I say no - because I do not fit into the various definitions that organised religion gives us.
I do believe, however, in the power of The Universe - that there is something out there which guides, and supports and protects. Often, I believe it is our own actions which create this 'something' - when we do good, we receive good blessings. So do good, wherever and whenever you can. The Universe will reward you.
VSED
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By now, you know what this is and know that I am planning to engage in it. If you don't, have a look on other pages on my website to learn more. If I were standing in front of you and asked you if you thought I should do it, I know that you would say - no. Many of you have told me this and I accept that you do not want me to end my life at this time. You would rather I wait until I am older, or am diagnosed with a terminal illness.
I do not want to wait until I am old or terminal - I wish to leave this earth in the best of possible health. Why? Because I have lived a completed life. And because I strongly believe I should have the choice.
Worrying Things​
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I know that simply 'worrying' about things is a complete waste of time. Rather 'do something' to address that which you worry about. Nevertheless, these are the things I worry about:
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war and conflict
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environmental degradation
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our AI future
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the breakdown of family units
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that 'education' all too often fails
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greed, corruption, lawlessness, and loss of morals and ethics
As you see, there is not much I can do about my 'worries' but I have tried in my own small way to address them. Do something - if you do nothing, nothing will change.
And now we get to those tricky little letters!
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X
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Not everyone has that X-Factor which allows them to stand out above the crowd. Most of us live our lives without the 'show-business' element that some simply must have at all costs. Most of us also feel we don't have enough money to fulfil our dreams. Many decades ago, I came across this saying: "wanting what you have and having what you want" and it took me a little while to truly appreciate it. I began to think of all the wonderful people I had in my life, the relatively good health that I have experienced and I began to practise gratitude, empathy and compassion. It changed my life. It can change yours, too.
Y am I considering ending my life?
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Because I am ready and have lived a completed life. I think by now I have shared so much with you that you are beginning to understand my motivations and decision. I truly am ready. There are challenges, of course, right now it has improved impossible to secure nursing and care services. When I tell them my situation, the response is that their staff are at full capacity and cannot take on any more clients. But I will soldier on and a solution will be found.
Zestfulness​
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Over the past decade, I have noticed that people have commented on the energy and exuberance I appear to have shown. This is no accident. I realise now that this was me showing the contentment I had with my life and once I started sharing my decision with everyone, a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I am fulfilled and I am so glad that I decided to give my extended family their inheritances whilst I was still alive. Even now, I strongly believe that this is a better practice than waiting for the 'old codger' to pass. I am happy and ready to face my final journey - who knows what or who I will find on the other side?
Gratitude
by Edgar Albert Guest
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Be grateful for the kindly friends that walk along your way,
Be grateful for the skies of blue that smile from day to day,
Be grateful for the health you own, the work you find to do,
For round about you there are folk* less fortunate than you.
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Be grateful for the growing trees, the roses soon to bloom,
The tenderness of kindly hearts that shared your days of gloom,
Be grateful for the morning dew, the grass beneath your feet,
The soft caresses of your babes and all their laughter sweet.
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Acquire the grateful habit, learn to see how blessed you are,
How much there is to gladden life, how little life to mar!
And what if rain shall fall today and you with grief are sad,
Be grateful that you can recall the joys that you have had.
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*changed from 'men'