The Chair at the End of the Corridor

3am. Blood-spattered instruments lie scattered across the many counter-top surfaces in Theatre No. 1. In one corner, in a large silver tray not unlike one you might find in a conventional kitchen lay fifty or so inches of large intestine, ripped from its sixty-nine year old resting place. Dispassionately removed from its home but severed with surgical proficiency, the colon appears lost, confused and afraid. Why am I here?

3am. Three nights later. Two things are immediately visible from a chair at the end of the corridor in Ward 9. The first is the top half of the Sky Tower, some fifteen kilometres away as the crow flies and as I see it. The red lights on the side flickering on and off every two seconds. The second is an elongated triangle on the road downstairs painted in yellow cross-hatching screaming 'no parking'. An old white van drives up, stops and its driver climbs out. His body bent almost ninety degrees at the hip, walking stick in hand he walks around to the sliding rear passenger door. He opens it and very gingerly what I took to be a very well-fed black and white spotted Jack Russel awkwardly exits the vehicle. Its gait is troubled as it is led to a grassy patch for what turns out to be a pee. I think to myself: which of these two beings is going to last the longest—and what will the remaining one do without the other?

It's now 3pm and in the photo below you can see the day view from the chair. As I sit, I ask myself some questions about how it is I have arrived at my current position.

Why did I decide to undergo an end of life choice involving VSED?

Did my body already know that I had a terminal illness which could end my life?

If my body knew what was happening, why was it not possible for me discover it?

What were the real reasons I decided to reverse my VSED?

When I learned of the bowel cancer diagnosis, why did I not go back to the original plan and ultimately apply for 'assisted dying''?

I will attempt to answer these and other questions in the coming months but here is the current synopsis.

After receiving a bowel cancer diagnosis in my large colon, I underwent a six-hour surgical operation on Sunday 16 February, 2025 from 9pm. I have now completed Day 9 in my post-op recovery and I'm likely to spend a few more days in hospital with several months' recovery at home. Thank you to the many amazing staff members at MIddlemore Hospital (whre I still currently am) dedication and compassion are real.

My cancer is Stage 3B and I've been told that a chemotherapy option would become available in about two or three month's time.. The surgeon's histology report is not yet complete as more analysis is required on the mass which was removed.. This leads me to think there are still concerns about further cancer - which is what the chemo should deal with.

I now have a stoma which I've called 'Stubby' (for obvious reasons) and 'Till'—for the handbag that my mother never left the house without. The stoma 'handbag' needs emptying up to 6/7 times in a 24-hour period and it will be my constant companion for the next six months.

UPDATE

On Thursday 20 March, I attended an Oncology meeting at Auckland City Hospital. My aim was to learn more about chemotherapy so that I could make a final decision on whether to have the treatment or not. According to both Oncology and my surgical team, I should be 'cancer-free' for at least the next five years or so. I learned that having chemo was not going to have a significant impact on my health and life expectancy.

Furthermore, having the chemotherapy would delay the option of having a stoma reversal (or stoma closure) until the end of 2025, an option that I do not wish to counter. Without undergoing chemotherapy, I could have reversal as early June or July this year - definitely my preference. My decision was clear - no chemotherapy.

The stoma reversal is a much simpler and shorter operation and will enable me to say goodbye to 'Stubby and Till'.

If there is a moral here, it is:

Have a check up colonoscopy for whatever time interval is recommended in your case.